…and it felt good. It wasn’t a casual kind of drive-by “I promise”, but a sincere “I promise this to you” that carried the measured intent of follow through, even if it doesn’t turn out to be easy.  It struck such a meaningful chord in me that I stopped and admired it – and felt the gift of friendship that came along with giving a promise.

A couple of years ago I was working with my Yoda on the heavy guilt and failure of all the people it is easy to feel we’ve let down in our lives. All the things we wish we could have done better, or sooner, or at all. He suggested that it was time to set a stricter standard around what I saw as my contracts with other people.

“Did you promise?” he’d ask.  “Well I made the commitment, so kind of, yes.” I’d answer.  “Did you say ‘I promise you this’?” “No, I didn’t.” “Then you’re under a best-effort type contract at best. You haven’t failed your commitment to that person.”

We talked through how to set a distinct, unmistakable self-expectation that could be managed. We can’t show up for everyone in every way we want to, no matter how much we sincerely value and care for that person. And if we start counting all the things we wish we could have done as relationship failures, then we get steeped in self-recrimination. So what if we just do our best and accept a reasonable failure rate, then reserve this one phrase for the things we plan to move heaven and earth to make happen?  The phrase is “I promise.”

If I haven’t explicitly promised you, then I will try, but it might not work, and I won’t be indebted to you if it doesn’t.  If I tell you “I promise you this,” I will do everything in my power to keep my word. And if I fail, I will sincerely apologize and do what I can to repay the loss. You can count on my promise.

Since adopting his promise mindset, I have a lot more peace. I fail at lots of things and I try to see it as a reasonable waste product of trying. And very occasionally, when something matters on a level that overwhelms me with meaning, I make a promise.  I made a promise a couple of weeks ago, to someone who probably had no idea the gravity with which it was made, and I plan to do everything in my power to keep it. But until today, no one has made one back.  And it truly warmed my heart.

I promise.