Let’s agree to use the word “god” as a shorthand.  I don’t mean it as a shorthand for the ever-fashionably non-committal “whatever god you want to believe in”.  Not at all. I mean it specifically as a shorthand for “Kathryn’s somewhat bizarre and magical experience of a high reality which works awesomely and she doesn’t feel the need to explain to anyone.”

That agreed to, it’s safe to say that no matter how well you know me, odds are good you don’t have any idea how much everything I do, think, or touch in a day is about god.  I’m not religious.  I wouldn’t call myself spiritual.  I can’t, in fact, come up with words for it.  It’s my way of navigating reality.  But my version of reality is entirely god.  Every Skype call, every bite of food, every sexual encounter, every friendship, every tree, every argument…everything.  It all happens from a central place in me that connects directly to the highest place.

I don’t much talk about it.  There’s nothing to talk about because it is so inherent and so personal.  But every now and then I see how differently other people do it and realize there’s nothing obvious about how things look to me.  It’s my quirky way of dancing with god through this life.

I also don’t diet or exercise.  I used to.  It was this set of choices overriding what I would normally do that was trying to help me turn into someone I’d rather be.  At some point however, I actually became the person I’d rather be, from the inside out, and now I just eat and do stuff in alignment with that person – and it’s good.  Going to bed hungry, eating loads of greens out of a giant bowl, dancing until I explode with joy…these are just things I like to do because they feel right.  I don’t think much about it.  But again, when I look outside myself, I see other people struggling with these choices (as I used to) as something external to their reality rather than as an organic truth that aligns with who they are.

In the same vein, I honestly don’t think of myself as single.  It hadn’t much occurred to me until, lately, a few different people have sent me funny or inspiring things about the power of being single.  I love the thoughtfulness of it, but it actually took me a minute to put it together.  It might as well have been about rock collecting.  I was like “That’s cute, but did you mean to send it to me?”  And then…”Oh…yeah…”

My life has all kinds of partnerships, intimacy, romantic intensity, domestic stability and growth.  People come, go, and stay in all kinds of roles and times.  I don’t know what would be different about some particular man turning up and splitting the bills with me.  I mean, that’s one kind of thing that could turn up, and if it was the right thing at the right time, I’d jump in, but there’s no difference at this point in that vs anything else.

That wasn’t always true. Younger, I hoped for children, a happy house with a yard and a big dinner table, a business, a shared world of adventure and growth.  But, thankfully, those dreams are on a timer.  And when the timer ended and I found myself free of the disappointment of not getting the pretty picture I felt I was promised, I regrouped and got on with it.

And it’s an incredible place to be.  If I trust my own skills and the support of the people who love me (and I do!), I can have a million lives, each chosen specifically, loved sincerely, and learned from in time, without obligation.

I don’t feel single at all.  My world is full and rich, with occasional crashing disappointment and sadness, because that is what being human is.  But I can honestly say that I have never for a single day felt as lonely as a “single” person as I did almost every day of being married.

So I don’t identify much as single.  I am just doing life in ways that are true to me, with people coming and going in the right time.  Sometimes there’s a place here for a man to fill.  Sometimes there isn’t.  Right now, there isn’t.

Maybe that’s the distinction we actually need:  Searching for someone or not.  Because “god” knows that being single rarely correlates to whether someone is searching.

Thoughts?  Please leave ideas, comments, rants of your own below…